normal-horoscopes:

Aries: Your aggression is useful but is only effective when shepherded well. You are the humble guide to a flock of rage sheep.

Taurus: Nothing is worthless. The world has a habit of teaching people lessons without them noticing. Take aim and do your best, experience is a hell of a teacher.

Gemini: Some things simply must be done. Some things must simply be done armed. 

Cancer: Oppression breeds resistance. Even a worm will become a large scale arms dealer when you fuck over their book club enough.

Leo: Know how expensive a hammer to the temple can be. Know when this will benefit you.

Virgo: If you want something done right, do it with 200 friends and homemade Faraday cages.

Libra: Make your heart too big to break.

Scorpio: Any problem that can be solved with a nap is a good problem. Get lots of those.

Ophiuchus: Losing weight is not a purpose. Stealing weight, now there’s a fun idea.

Sagittarius: Make money at home! Become a counterfeiter!

Capricorn: Leave the problems of others to them. No need to get involved. Well, maybe you can throw small objects at them as long as they don’t see you.

Aquarius: Its not betrayal if you never liked them in the first place. Then its just patience.

Pisces: There are established rules about safety. Know which ones are there just so some asshole can sue you.